Breaking Dysfunctional Family Ties to Live an Empowered Life

In life people tend to be repetitive!  This is most evident in the relationships that shape the quality of a person's life.  The times that are most fulfilling are normally connected to positive work relationships, supportive partners and good, fun friends.  They bring out the best in everyone and cultivate growth.  Unfortunately, many vital relationships are warped because of dysfunctional family ties.

These dysfunctional family relationships are systems people do not choose.  They have a profound effect on how people interact with one another.  If a person holds the position of "the smart one" in the family, they tend to be "the smart one" in group situations.

It is like a script that is played out or a movie that is ran over and over again.  I have felt the pain of a dysfunctional cycle in my own life.  No matter how hard I tried to change the people I associated with, change the settings and even try to change my approach, nothing stopped the cycle.

I found myself in a subservient position.  Closed into unhappy positions that did not allow me to share my gifts and talents.  It was always that one one person that came along and destroyed what was happy.  I would feel lost, powerless and helpless, just waiting for someone to stop my tormentor. 

Each time my movie played, I would learn something new.  Many times God teaches us slowly and gently.  The last great lesson was the family.  I had a person in my family that treated me as a second class citizen.  I learned to assume my position each time she arrived.  This pattern was ingrained in me and I didn't even know it! 

I began to reflect upon my childhood and similar experiences.  I found one common denominator.  The family member that always keep me under thumb.  The family member that always needed attention, the family member that always needed people to hate me.  This was the same person, but she wounded me in many ways.

It began at such a young age that it became part of my makeup.  Such a natural part of my interpersonal relationships, that I did not recognize it was wrong until years later.  Years into my adulthood.  Years into abusive relationships. 

When I realized what was happening I knew I needed to stop the madness.  I made contact with the family member that punished me for living.  They refused to meet me face to face and never said sorry.  I wanted to tell them how their mistreatment poisoned my relationships.  I wanted to say that their hate for me wasn't love.  I want to say that I was making a choice to be free and that I knew I was a good, loving person. 

I refuse to be afraid of people similar to her.  They have pissed on everything that is important to me long enough.  I refuse to allow this falsehood to inform my life and relationships.  It is not always perfect, but it is much, much better.

Finding the courage to break poisonous family ties is the first step to healthy relationships.  It is possible to find real, solid relationships.  It simply takes rooting out the lies of the past and then replacing them with truth.

You have the right to be in control of your life.  You have the right to shine and the right to have people love you.  Let your dysfunctional family members put their trash in the garbage, not you!

It is never too late!  Empower yourself and reclaim your life!

photo via ilovemybaby.org via Google images

Who are You Letting Get The Best of You? Stop The Madness!

There are times in life when you allow people to lie to you.  You know that they are full of it, but you let it slide.  You know someone is making a fool of you, but you allow the whole scene to take place.  Why?  Why are you letting people get the best of you?

It is in these moments of surrender that positive energy is seeped away.  Every good thing is compromised in the moment and instant opinions are formed.  If you want people to respect you, why do you let them get the best of you?

I was recently in a situation and I let someone lie to me, or at least blow me off and give me a bull$hit answer.  As I reflected upon it, I had to ask myself why.  I conducted myself with respect for  45 minutes, but in a moment I compromised it all. 

The meeting had a positive outcome, but I allowed some of my power to be taken.  I allowed someone to lie to me.  I did it because of their title.  They were in a position of authority and I had the crazy notion allowing this lie to pass somehow honored them.  This came from a place of oppressed thinking.

Not so!  I have the right and the responsibility to only allow truth into my space.  This is how to contain real power and infuse fresh energy into your life.  There is not any honor in letting people get the better of you.  You are not doing them or yourself any favors.  Stop the madness and shut a door of chaos in your life.

This does not guarantee every situation will work in your favor, but it will protect your personal space and keep it sacred and clean.

When you suspect a lie is being offered here are some ways to handle the situation:

1. Ask for clarification.  Let the person or people know you need more information to understand.  There is not a reason to be rude, but be firm and polite.
2. If you are still unhappy with the answer, share your opinion.  Part of good communication is helping people understand your position.  You can not control another man's actions, but you can conduct your own.  
3. You have a choice.  You can participate based on something you do not believe to be true or you can say "no."  You do not have to willingly subject yourself to compromising situations that can cause you harm.  
4. You can let them know you do not believe their statement.  The truth never hurts, but always use wisdom.

Life can be tough and it is important not to let anyone willing get the best of you.  Be Empowered and stop the madness!

Unfinished Business- Having Really Hard and Sometimes Scary Conversations

It is difficult to be around people that stir feelings of anger, pain, grief or feelings of resentment within you.  There is usually tension in the air, very little trust and resolving simple day to day happenings seems impossible.  These situations can occur in our lives because of unfinished business. 

I got this epiphany while watching Oprah, Behind the Scenes.  One of her guests was late and caused the staff to make arrangements with other guests and audiences.  It was a big mess because other obstacles presented themselves.  This caused a rift between Oprah and the guest because Oprah did not understand why her guest would cause these problems.  Oprah confronted her guest, off camera, and got the answers she needed to be at peace.  They proceeded to have a good show and positive relationship after the show.

This situation really resonated with me.  I thought how many times have I let people hurt me and never say anything.  I have to continue to be around some of these people and the relationship goes to crap!  I do not trust the person and everything they do is perceived to be a personal attack.  The other person probably has harsh feelings towards me as well.  How can you trust someone that is withholding and gives you phony smiles.

How much wasted time and energy!  It can be very frightening to confront people when they offend you.  You are unsure of how they will react, and most times you just want people to like you.  The problem is the unresolved feelings do not go away!  They fester and grow into bigger problems and eventually the relationship is destroyed.

Taking a swallow and a deep breath, then going forward to discuss your feelings is purifying!  It allows you to let go of negative energy and do something constructive.  What you are really doing is creating an environment of understanding.  When people understand each other relationships grow and prosper.  Take care of your unfinished business and hurt feelings with others!  A power nugget to living an Empowered life!
photo via: miladayteam.blogspot.com via Google images

20 Ways to Say I love You Without Saying a Word!- A Loving Repost for Valentine's Day

via google images

Saying I love you to someone special is a gift.  It is easy to forget the value of love in the busy day to day activities of life.  Working, raising children, pursuing personal goals and caring for the sick often overshadow the needs of your partner.  I encourage you to stop and remember the precious person that you love and loves you back.

Falling in love is one of the most beautiful events in life.  It fills your being with hope, joy and meaning.  Love is certainly something that gives quality to life.  So in honor of the gift of love, here are 20 ways to say I love without using words.

photo via

1. Stare lovingly into your loves eyes.
2. Send a hand written love letter expressing your feelings.
3. Remember something special your love talks about and find a way to fill their request.
4. Ask them to dance when you are at home and no one else is around.
5. Wear something really nice.
6. Have their favorite radio station dedicate a song to them from you.
7. Clean the house.
8. Get a babysitter for the kids and reconnect with your love.
9. Write them a poem.
10. Fill up their gas tank and get their car washed.
11. Give your love a soft romantic kiss at an unexpected time.
12. Invite them out with your friends.
13. Sing a love song to them, even if you can not sing.
14. Hold their hand while you are watching a movie.
15. Say you are sorry for all the times you ever hurt them or left them alone.
16. Let your love have the television remote control for the weekend.
17. Stop what you are doing when your love talks and really listen.
18. Clean up their mess instead of yelling.
19. Acknowledge the kind things they have done for you since you have known them.
20. Pray for your love.

Now say,

photo via

Love Resources

 Does Falling in Love Make Us More Creative? (a scientific look at love)

The Love Calculator (find the chances of love between you and a dream partner)

Lovingyou.com (love, relationship and romance resources, packed with great information)

Weekend Getaways (Marriott Romance Packages)

Great Love Stories

Bullying- An Intimate Discussion about the Pain, Power and Process Part 2

Bulling is a degrading experience.  It steals your joy and power from your presence.  It is a wicked exchange that takes place between a bully and a victim.  A bully strips their prey of dignity and weaves it into their being.  They wear it as an invisible badge of authority and use it as a license to continually oppress their victim.  Victims in return become an emotional and physical trash dump.  They become a release for the psychological and emotional pain of their abuser.  The more the bully dumps on the victim, the more the bully hates the victim.  After all, who likes trash?

As a victim of bullying you begin to really feel worthless.  People turn up their noses at you.  They laugh at you when they pass you.  People are constantly talking behind your back and spreading false rumors.  Bullying can become physical as well.  Victims can be pushed, pulled, spit at and beat up.  Victims become the butt of every joke and called dehumanizing names.  Can you imagine spending your work day like this?  Can you imagine going to school and knowing you will be humiliated for 7 straight hours?  What about the battered spouse?  Can  you imagine living with a person or people that treat you like an insignificant slave without feelings?  This is the existence of millions of people around the world.

A Piece of My Story

My bullying experience began at a young age.  I was teased for many different reasons.  Of course this gave me many reasons to doubt myself and my significance as a person of influence.  My black so-called friends teased me for not being black enough.  My speech was too proper and my name brand clothing was not always correct.  My hair was too short and my butt was too flat.  It is extremely difficult to defend yourself when you believe what people are saying.  It is hard to believe you are okay, when you are told on a daily basis you are inferior!

This constant attack on my appearance made me believe I was ugly.  I dated guys that were losers because I was completely confused about my value.  The guys I really wanted I never pursued because I thought they would never want someone as terrible as me.  Bullying is such a deceitful lie.  It robs you of a good life because you think you do not deserve one.  

I was a person split in the middle.  I had completely separated myself from my emotions.  It was as if I lived an outer body experience.  A great deal of my pain came from being raped.  Rape is the sickest act a bully can perpetrate.  This was an event that I blacked out for many years because it was too traumatic to face.  A person I trusted violated me and shattered my soul in one act.  This lead to drinking at the young age of 12.  Needless to say my drinking and shattered soul made me a prime target for bullies.  I needed someone to care, but all I found was more evidence of my uselessness.

These awful acts happening at such an early age never gave me a chance to form boundaries. I allowed people to continually violate me because I never thought I had a choice.  Eventually you stop fighting when you think you are in a losing battle.
 

One of the best ways to take back your power is by setting boundaries.  Boundaries are not walls, they are safety markers to keep you safe.  You have a right to protect yourself when someone comes into your space uninvited.

If you have been bullied forgive yourself.  If you have been doing things or have done things you are not proud of it was only for protection.  We are going to discuss healthy ways of coping as we continue in this series. 

A Tough Reality

The victim and the bully share a dark, sick relationship.  They both share intimate secrets neither wants anyone to know.  The person being bullied is humiliated and hides the secrets of their experience.  The person doing the bullying is ashamed and does not want anyone to know their true, ugly identity.  It is a strange and morbid connection that is difficult to break.  Years after the bullying has stopped the mental chains of worthlessness interfere with a victims well-being.  Bullies move on and find other people to trash.  The cycle continues for both the bully and victim until they decide to take control of their lives.  

Anti-Bullying Programs

The Trevor Project- a hot line and organization for lesbian and gay youth and people.

Bully Online.org- workplace bully resources

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline- 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
photos via: hubpages.com, myhomeschool.blogspot.com, accura-marketing.com via Google images. 

The Ugly People You Meet Attending Church!

The people you meet attending church are not all nice.  As a new believer nothing was better than attending church.  Worshiping God with fellow believers was amazing.  I was apart of some really great ministries and I was filled with hope each Sunday.  I loved being in church.  I went at least twice a week and two times on Sunday!  I was filled with enthusiasm, curiosity and passion for my church and church family.  Then I met the 'ugly' people.

The people who smile in your face and then stab you in the back!  These ugly people really go to church!  I met the people that gossip and spread rumors.  I could not believe Christians could be that terrible.  I met the Christians that have sex with everyone they can and go to church and pretend they are spending their nights in prayer.  I met the hypocrites that destroy peoples lives all week and sing in the choir on Sunday. 

A transition in leadership and a connection to a mentally ill individual changed everything.  A church that was once filled with caring and community turned greedy.  Money and power became more desirable than love and support.  It was justified with the word of God and harsh treatment to anyone that did not "fit in."  The ugly people took over and their crew stunk!

For months I denied how things had changed.  The pastor shouted from the pulpit "you came here for the word of God, forget about sister so and so."  "Stay at the church God has planted you, it doesn't matter if its hard."  I told myself this over and over as I ignored the harsh treatment from my Christian brothers and sisters.  I prayed, I cried, I broke down in service when the treatment became to much to bear.  I was tortured and I still do not know why.  My clothes were criticized, my make-up was scrutinized, my daughter was teased and security constantly eyed me.  What ever these people thought of me was never brought to my attention.  They had to think I was wicked to be treated with such disgust.  But to my frustration I was never confronted, at least I could have defended myself and clarified suspicions.  Nothing but cruelty.  Nothing but the cold shoulder.  Nothing but mean looks and superior glances. 

I finally got a chance to meet with my pastor after months of rejection.  I asked him if there was a problem and he denied anything.  I was too afraid, hurt and ashamed to discuss the treatment I felt coming from him and the church.  It was easier to take his word and try to move forward.  The treatment did not stop and I decided enough is enough.  I'd had enough abuse.

After 4 years of hell I left the church.  I prayed to God and asked why these people treated me with such cruelty.  I did not do anything to deserve the mess they dealt out to me.  Then one day I got up and went to a different church.  This was months later and I was gun shy.  It was exactly what the doctor ordered.  I was loved and accepted.  This church helped to heal the pains of spiritual abuse inflicted by my former pastor and church.  But as I healed and some incidents occurred I yearned for more!  What happened to the church?

As I reflect on these events I feel it is important to share my thoughts.  New Christians deserve to know everyone attending church is not nice.  There are some real ugly people that will treat you like crap.  All Christians need to know their behavior inside and out of church can rip and tear the souls of many.  Non-Christians need to know Christians are not perfect, but the ones acting like devils do not represent all.  Pastors need to know the devastation bad behavior creates.  Those of you that have been hurt in church, you are not alone. 

The Things I Have Learned

1. Stop Judging!  Being a Christian does not give you the right to look down on others.  Discriminating against people based on their clothes, finances, personal appearance and zip code is cruel.  Every person has a story take the time to listen and give the love of Christ.  Withholding love based on your estimation of who has earned it is arrogant and just plain wrong.  Giving charity does not mean you gave love!  Telling someone how to live their life certainly does not mean you helped them. 
2. If you are being treated like crap leave!  No one should be treated like trash.  Superior attitudes based on the acceptance of man is nonsense.  People change like the wind and trying to meet their standards is grueling.  Find out who you are and accept yourself!  You can not define yourself by anyone's standards, not even the pastor.  
3. Giving money is a personal choice.  Churches need money to survive.  The pastor spends a lot of time helping his flock and should be compensated.  But being manipulated into giving is wrong.  Giving large amounts of money does not mean God is going to bless you more.  Only give large amounts when prompted by God.  If you want to help pay for church expenses because the pastor asked, its okay.  It is not okay for the pastor to say you should be ashamed if you do not help.  There is a definite spiritual law to giving but allow God to reveal it to you in His time.  If the pastor is telling you that you are missing out on anything because you do not give $20 when he asks, there is something wrong.  Different views on tithing exist today.  Study the word of God and decide for yourself.
4. Everyone in church is not there to worship.  Many people go to church because it is fashionable.  They quote the scripture and say "have a blessed day," but their hearts are cruel.  They are hateful people and do terrible things, inside and outside of church.  Giving someone automatic trust because they attend your church is a mistake.  They should earn it like anyone else.  This includes the pastor, his wife and their children.  
5. Know yourself and stop trying to figure out everyone else.  Act from your truth and not one imposed on you by another man.  
6. Learn the meaning of the Bible yourself.  Everything coming from the pulpit is not truth.  Read your Bible and ask God to reveal His truth to you.  Do not depend on another person's understanding unless they have gained your trust.  If you are able to see the flaws in your husband or wife, why can you not see them in the pastor.  They are human and can err.  Make sure the teaching you are hearing is really what you believe.  God gave us a brain to think with, us it!
7. If someone is giving you damaging information about another person, ask!  Ask the person that was drug through the mud if the information is true.  If you do not have the nerve to get the truth, do not treat them poorly based on a lie.  You would not want this to happen to you.  Learn how to ask and involve all parties.  If the person giving the information says its a secret, I can almost guarantee they are liars! 
8. Enjoy the journey and always continue to grow.  You can not let ugly people ruin your good thing.  Find another location, ignore them if you can but do not allow ugly people to tear you away from God. 

As I think about the headlines, I guess the people I have met are not that incredible.  Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard and Jim Bakker were powerful men of God.  They influenced millions of people and raised millions of dollars in the name of the Lord.  I can not speak for these men, but if they are truly remorseful, I think they would say: "Getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to me." 
photos via: tscnyc.org, grannystandingfortruth.blogspot.com, banklawyersblog.com, churchloan.net

A Better Sex Life- Turn Up The Heat in Your Love Life

A great sex life is something most people desire.  To have a person who makes you shake with excitement when they are around is a gift from heaven.  Never being too tired to make love because you get a burst of energy when you are in each others presence is intoxicating.  This does not just happen in movies or to the perfect couple across the street.  It can happen in your relationship.  Sex can reach its ultimate climax within the safety of pure commitment. 

What are the ingredients of a real commitment?  I know you have heard the following words before, but probably not in the context of sex.  These are the elements that create a spectacular sex life: love, trust, intimacy, honesty, vulnerability and belief.  If you can use these words to describe your relationship, chances are you have a good sex life. 

It is unfortunate that in today's climate sex is glamorized in the midst of drinking, immoral behavior and multiple partners.  This type of lifestyle leaves a person empty at the end of day.  Usually searching for another drink to drown the loneliness and shame of the night before.  In my opinion this is not a good sex life.  It is a life filled with mechanical experiences that may satisfy the body, but not your soul.

A good sex life happens when one soul connects with another.  It happens when all of the fake facades are buried and the authentic self is accepted in the safety of love.  If you are single get rid of the games and stop dating anyone that is playing them.  If you are married it is time to go to the next level and find that secret place.

Here are Some Sex Quizzes

The Ultimate Sex Quiz 

Problems in Bed? A Sex Quiz for Women

Sex Issues Quiz- Orange County Counseling 

Are You Lousy In Bed? Quiz: Men's Health

Life, Love, Sex and Relationship Quizzes   

 

Discovering true intimacy can be scary.  Allowing yourself to be transparent with another person requires courage.  Take things slow.  Read books about intimacy and sex together.  Most importantly take this journey together.  If your partner is not willing to join you in this journey seriously consider if the timing is right. 

How to Build a Support System of Good Friends that Fit

One of the things I have always told my daughter, "make sure your friends fit like a good pair of jeans."  This statement is essential to living an Empowered life.  I have never needed a lot of people around, I was content with having one confidant.  The problem I ran into was never finding a loyal friend to share my fears, hopes and dreams.  I did not make sure my friends "fit" and I was consistently disrespected. 

This humiliating treatment has come in the form of betraying my privacy and spreading crippling rumors.  I have never understood why my life was worth ruining.  I speculated it was my upbringing.  I was raised to be a respectable lady with high values.  This was distinctly opposed to many of the people that came into my inner circle.  As a young girl I always felt I had to prove I was I was cool.  I had to prove I was not a nice girl from the suburbs, but a "bad ass."  This was such foolishness.  I caused myself and my parents a lot of pain.

As a young woman I tried to prove I was strong.  But the truth was, I was an insecure little girl that wanted to be loved.  My skewed self-image caused me to look for love in all of the wrong places.  I never felt like I was good enough to run in the "right" circles, and I tried to find acceptance from people that did not have morals and respect themselves or me.  What a conflicted mess!  The state of your relationships is a good picture of what you feel about yourself on the inside. 

Two of the underlying issues that have caused me so much pain and emotional distress were shame and acceptance.  I was ashamed of who I was because of the many humiliating things that happened to me.  I always felt dirty and felt like I had cover up a shameful secret.  The other problem was wanting to be accepted.  I yearned for acceptance from people that were incapable of showing real love. 

I guess this made me easy prey for mean people.  The most Empowering lesson from the things I've shared is knowing you do not need anyone to accept you.  Searching for acceptance creates a void in your soul that plays a chameleon.  It changes to meet the impossible standards of people that are incapable of showing love. 

The other freeing element of this article is YOU ARE OKAY.  You do not have to be ashamed of the bad things that have happened to you.  Everyone has had them!  The shame of abuse and humiliation is a heavy burden.  It causes you to hide the awesomeness inside of you and view everyone as better than yourself. 

I have also come to discover that the support of loving people is essential.  They are the ones who will be there when you fall and whip your tears away when you are hurting.  This goes back to the original message- "make sure your friends fit like a good pair of jeans."  If you are surrounded by people that are constantly judging you and making you feel small, it is time to change friends.  You deserve to be loved being punished for who you are is wrong. 

To live a life of Empowered Peace you have to accept your real value.  You are priceless and choosing proper friends is a reflection of your inner life.  Here are some ways to identify good friends.

1. Good friends encourage you to do better.  If your friends are putting you down and nit picking at everything you do, they may not fit you well.  You should feel better when you are with your friends not worse.
2. Good friends have your back.  If your friends are sharing your secrets or speaking negative about you, they are not your friends.  If your friends are in the room you should feel welcomed when you enter it, not scrutinized and belittled because they have just got done raking your name over the coals.
3. Good friends warn you of danger.  A friend does not set you up for failure and then laugh at you.  If they say they were just joking, believe me they are playing you!
4. Good friends help you.  They are there during your difficult times and make sure you are okay.
5. Good friends do not change the opinion of your supporters.  If people esteem you highly, but think they made a mistake when they meet your friends...maybe you are hanging with the wrong crowd.
6. Good friends call you on your bad behavior.  Good friends are supposed to make you better.  If the people around you let you behave like an idiot, maybe they do not really care.  A truthful person is very different than a judging person.  Make sure you can tell the difference.  

Relationships are very important.  Make sure yours are with quality people that fit like a good pair of jeans.  
photos via: janeheller.mlblogs.com, paulmayers.blogs.com, choicehow.com via google images.

The Real Meaning of Christmas- The Power of Relationship with Christ

It is Christmas time again, how many has it been for you?  This is my 40th Christmas and the question I am pondering...What is the real meaning of Christmas?  My Judeo-Christian American heritage has had many different focuses throughout the years.  During wartime the focus was on peace, during a recession the hope was for a better economy and during times of change Americans cleave to the familiarity of Christmas to comfort their confusion.

When I was a child, Christmas was great fun!  My nephew and I would look through store catalogs and make our Christmas lists.  We would steal fingers of frosting off of the cakes my mom baked and look for hidden presents.  The funny thing about looking for presents, was the fact that we believed in Santa Claus!  How funny!  We would watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snow Man, The Grinch That Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol.  It was such a wonderful time of year for our family.  We were always happy and filled with good food.

As I got older Christmas became a time of family gathering.  It was such fun to have the family together and open presents!  We got the usual socks and underwear, but those special requests!  It was always so exciting to open the diary or roller skates that I wanted more than anything.  The family turmoil that troubled me in later years did not seem so bad during Christmas. 

As an adult I came to have a personal relationship with Christ.  The holidays began to center on Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross.  My daughter and I would read the book of Luke.  Then we would watch the book of Acts on dvd and eat a big dinner.  We then opened gifts and went to visit relatives.  These were very sacred times. 

Now here I am at Christmas number 40 and life's circumstances have matured and seasoned me.  And again I ask the question, what is the real meaning of Christmas?  I went to the gospel of Matthew and read the story of Jesus.  I have read this gospel many times before, but now I have come with different questions.  God what is the meaning of Christmas?

God has always existed and played an active part in the lives of His children.  The Old Testament is filled with stories of God intervening in the lives of Noah, Abraham, Jacob, Samuel and Ester.  He guided them and through each of them flows the blood line of Jesus.  I asked God "how did life change when you sent Christ our Savior?"

Christ's life was sober, focused and difficult.  God embodied experienced emotional distress, betrayal, death, murder, persecution, humiliation and isolation.  God himself suffered some tough times.  Then I asked God "Life continued to be difficult for believers after the resurrection.  Where is the abundant life in martyrdom and despair?" "Shouldn't things have gotten better with the resurrection of Your Son?"  Yet there remains struggle and strife, in the world and inside of people. 

Then I remembered the precious things that Jesus did have in the world.  He had relationships.  He had His disciples to comfort Him.  He had His disciples to reveal, teach and guide.  He had His disciples to love.  He had His disciples and humanity, which gave purpose and meaning to His life.

Yes life is hard and sometimes unbearable, but there are a few relationships in my life that give me joy.  It is my relationship with Christ that gave me a life worth living.  It is my relationship with my family that gives me strength.  It is my relationship to my destiny that gives me hope even when it feels like I am all alone.  The meaning of Christmas is relationship.

Christ's sacrifice on the cross gave me the ability to be one with God.  I am not separated from God because of my sin.  He sees me as snow white and clean, washed by the blood of His Son.  It is my relationship with God that my enemies seeks to destroy.  The deceptive games of satan make people think they are seeking to settle a personal vendetta; but each person's act of unkindness is an attempt to separate the receiver of the pain from God. 

This Christmas is a great time to renew your relationship with Christ.  

This 40th Christmas means relationship to me.  What does this Christmas mean to you?
photos via: alliecat-alliecat.blogspot.com, americana-music-and-memories.com, wellswarren.org, noquestionleftbehind.blogspot.com via google images. 

A Teenager's Thoughts: Pregnancy, Abortion, Sex and Peer Pressure, All Before Age 13!

"Mom I'm pregnant" are the words almost every parent of a teenager, is afraid to hear. Unfortunately teen pregnancy and abortion rates have increased for the first time in 10 years. The Guttmacher Institute reported this 3% increase in teen pregnancies across all races.


Alexis Ware, a high school senior attends a school where pregnant students are ordinary. Here are her thoughts on the subject.

Author: Alexis Ware
Teen Pregnancy is an epidemic on the rise in the United States. The statics are getting higher everyday. Schools try to stress abstinence and safe sex but it isn't working, teens continue to get pregnant. The school is not the only responsible party, home life also plays a big part. There is only one way to stop this problem and that is to stop having sex. This sounds like an easy solution but peer pressure makes this choice almost impossible. The decisions about keeping a baby or having an abortion is another big problem on its own. It puts stress on the teen, the teen's parents and everyone who is involved.

When a teen becomes pregnant it affects both the boy and girl. You have to grow up early and you face consequences like dropping out of school or financial instability. Teens who are pregnant may also lose their relationships with their parents, it is hard to find work without a babysitter. All this stress isn't just put on the girl; the boy also feels the same emotions and loses opportunities.

When you are a pregnant teenager you are faced with one of the most difficult decisions of your life. What do you do about the baby? Should you keep the baby or choose another alternative?  Most teens keep their child, for those that don't they have the option of adoption or abortion. In my opinion, abortion is a form of murder and should be illegal. I think that the best option for a pregnant teen with an unstable household, no support or money is adoption. When you do this the baby has a better shot at getting everything it needs and you can still enjoy your life as a teenager.

Teen pregnancy in 100% preventable. The best way to prevent it is not to have sex. This also prevents getting sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV, chlamydia, herpes and many others. I know some teens do not have the will power to say no, if you make that decision to have sex make sure you use protection. A lot of teens feel the need to do it because of peer pressure or they just want to know what it is like. These are not the right reasons to have sex. The safest thing to do is have sex when you are prepared to care for children. I also think parents should talk to their kids about sex.

It is your responsibility to protect yourself and your partner. Having a baby is not what the media makes it seem.  You now have to take care of another human being, think about it.

Talking to Your Teen About Sex

Talking to your teen about sex can be uncomfortable, but it is necessary.  The greatest influence in your child's life is you.  Not talking about this subject with your child can be interpreted as indifference.  Your teen is also left to learn about sex on their own and subject to unreliable sources.  They go to friends, learn from the media and infer healthy sexuality from their culture.  They need to hear about your beliefs regarding teenage sex and relationships.  A good place to begin a discussion about sex is to reflect on your values and determine the message you want to deliver to your teen.  Another important step in preparing for this conversation is anticipating questions your child may have and determining your answers ahead of time.  For example, your child may ask about your personal sex life.  Having your boundaries set before the conversation happens will allow you talk with sincerity and gentleness. 

Pay attention and capitalize on teachable moments.  Your child is always communicating a message, look, listen and don't be afraid to speak into your child's life.  This is your God given right and responsibility. 

!!!WARNING!!!

EVEN YOUR CHILD IS THINKING ABOUT SEX, TALKING ABOUT SEX AND MAYBE HAVING SEX.  YES EVEN YOUR DEAR SWEET SON OR DAUGHTER IS CAPABLE OF MAKING MAJOR MISTAKES THAT CAN CHANGE THEIR LIVES FOREVER.  DENIAL IS NOT THE PLACE PARENTS OF TEENS SHOULD LIVE.

Get involved with your child's life and try to keep open communiation at all times.  Social media is a great place to stay in touch with your teen.  Facebook, Twitter, My Space and text messages all tell a story of your teens public and private life.  Your teen needs a parent not a friend.  With patience, prayer and hard work you can make it through the teen years without a grandchild and have Empowered Peace!

Resourses

Teen Pregnancy Statistics (This website has great information)

The Right Words (An article about speaking to your daughter about her body and sex)

The American Pregnancy Association

The National Campaign to Stop Teen and Unplanned Pregnancies

Teenpregnancy.com

Additional Articles

Tabloids Glamorizing Teen Pregnancy

Children, Sex and the Media

Implant to Prevent Teen Pregnancies (Controversial)

photo credits: teenpregnancystatistics.org, thefrisk.com, guardian.co.uk, whisperedinspirations.com, teenagerstoday.com all via google images. 

20 Ways You and Kim Clijsters Can Say I "Love" You Without Speaking the Words

via google images

Saying I love you to someone special is a gift.  It is easy to forget the value of love in the busy day to day activities of life.  Working, raising children, pursuing personal goals and caring for the sick often overshadow the needs of your partner.  I encourage you to stop and remember the precious person that you love and loves you back.

Falling in love is one of the most beautiful events in life.  It fills your being with hope, joy and meaning.  Love is certainly something that gives quality to life.  So in honor of the gift of love, here are 20 ways to say I love without using words.

photo via

1. Stare lovingly into your loves eyes.
2. Send a hand written love letter expressing your feelings.
3. Remember something special your love talks about and find a way to fill their request.
4. Ask them to dance when you are at home and no one else is around.
5. Wear something really nice.
6. Have their favorite radio station dedicate a song to them from you.
7. Clean the house.
8. Get a babysitter for the kids and reconnect with your love.
9. Write them a poem.
10. Fill up their gas tank and get their car washed.
11. Give your love a soft romantic kiss at an unexpected time.
12. Invite them out with your friends.
13. Sing a love song to them, even if you can not sing.
14. Hold their hand while you are watching a movie.
15. Say you are sorry for all the times you ever hurt them or left them alone.
16. Let your love have the television remote control for the weekend.
17. Stop what you are doing when your love talks and really listen.
18. Clean up their mess instead of yelling.
19. Acknowledge the kind things they have done for you since you have known them.
20. Pray for your love.

Now say,

photo via

Love Resources

 Does Falling in Love Make Us More Creative? (a scientific look at love)

The Love Calculator (find the chances of love between you and a dream partner)

Lovingyou.com (love, relationship and romance resources, packed with great information)

Kim Clijsters Website/Blog

Weekend Getaways (Marriott Romance Packages)

Great Love Stories

Workplace Worries and Badly Behaving Bullies



photo via

 The workplace is the second, if not the first home to a majority of working people.  Your job can be full of good friends, supportive supervisors and friendly potlucks but increasingly the workplace has become a war zone.  Employers and employees alike actively seek out individuals to harass and humiliate.  This terrorist mentality causes absenteeism, medical expenses, mental and emotional exhaustion, lower wages, character assassination and termination of employment.  According to Time Magazine many states are following the lead of New York's Healthy Workplace Bill and cracking down on workplace violence. 

Bullycide

The media is not at a loss for stories about bullying.  In fact, a new term has been created for the act of suicide caused by bullying, "Bullycide."  Here are some of the victims: Phoebe Prince, Megan Meier, Karl Peart, Gemma Dimmick, Jodie Zebell and Brodie Panlock just to name a few.  These people were called names, the subject of gossip, victimized by vicious rumors and continually made to feel unworthy by their bullies.  The continual marginalization and the increased power of the bully became overwhelming and they eventually committed suicide.  They were finally convinced that what the bullies said was true and there was not any help or hope to fix things.  This is such a sick travesty, bullies actually enjoy the pain of their victims.  Chances are you have been a victim, are a victim or know someone that has been or is being victimized.  I want you to know you are not alone.



photo via

Why Do People Bully?

• 
  
  Fear:  People are afraid of many things.  Job loss in today's economy is certainly one of them.  People who are working are willing to use unethical means to keep their jobs.  This is unfortunate and many times fear comes in the form of bullying and a mentality of "only the strong survive." 
• Insecurity: Many people are insecure and anyone they perceive as capable of 'getting ahead' of them is a target. 
• 
  
  Jealousy: Old fashioned jealousy fumes many flames.  A lack of values, misdirection and unrealistic expectations lead people to hate others.  The hate comes from feeling they deserve something more and proceed to take it from another person.
• 
  
  Power: How seductive is power?  Power used in the wrong way creates bullying.  
• 
  
  Control: Bullies like to have control over everything, especially the life of their victim.  They are unable to maintain a peace of mind without suppressing their victim, the person becomes as a possession or toy.  Managing their own lives would require introspection and most bullies feel it is too painful or scary to face their demons. 

How to Survive Your Bully



photo via



You can allow bullies to steal your peace and joy.  This is a spiritual poison that breaks the heart of many lost souls.  Continued exposure to this behavior can make you sad, discouraged, depressed, anxious, distracted and unproductive.  The best way to handle a bully is to minimize these effects.  You have to find a positive in-flow to counteract their negativity.  Religion, friends, prayer, worship, arts and crafts and spiritual renewal are all examples of positive actions.  You may feel like giving up or not participating but these things help!

• 
  
  Take notes of the activity happening at work.  Use this information wisely and at the right time.
• 
  
  Don't allow the bully's rumors and lies to define who you are.  Read affirmations and repeat them to remind yourself of your value.
• 
  
  Confront your bully with a calm ethic.  Yelling or bad behavior will only get you in trouble and make your bully's lies more believable.
• 
  
  Report this activity to human resources.  Tell them about the hostile environment your bully is causing and ask for help.
• 
  
  Educate yourself about workplace bullying and find a support group.
• 
  
  Consult an attorney.
• 
  
  Ride out the storm.  From a spiritual perspective, some lessons are taught over and over again until you walk completely through the situation.  This can be scary and very uncomfortable, but by educating yourself on your situation, prayer and acting with integrity you can win. 
• 
  
  Never give up!

!!!Special Note!!!

This is to all of you who see someone being victimized and harassed at work.  SAY SOMETHING!!!  Confront the bully, stick up for your co-worker and refuse to tolerate this nonsense.  Report the incidents to human resources and keep notes.  You do not want the guilt of thinking you could have done something when it is too late.



photo via



References

Case Study: New Laws Target Workplace Bullying

Why Do Women Bully Women in the Workplace? They're Easier Targets

Office Politics: How to Play the Game

When Co-workers Play Dirty

Careerbuilder.com- Career Resources

Resources

Workplace Bullying Institute

Stop Workplace Bullying!

Minding the Workplace

Kickbully- Where Your Fight Begins

The Osmonds or The Lohans, a Good Gaudge to Test Role Definition in Your Relationships

The Problem

The Osmond's

Some of the most painful events of life happen within family or close friend connections. I hear gut wrenching stories about misunderstandings and lies that cause people to stop talking for years. The tears of these hurting people seem endless because they can not believe what has happened between them and their parents, children, best friend, sibling, boss or neighbor. These people have given into hopelessness and believe their relationships are beyond repair and do not know how to forgive or ask for forgiveness. This is a terrible state to find your relationships in and learning how to protect your connections can help prevent the wounds of betrayal.

A key element to establishing solid relationships is defining your role. Think about the people in your life and how you are connected to them. One person can be a husband, father, son, employee and supervisor in the course of one day. When this man is communicating with his wife, it should be different then when he is communicating with his employee. The quality of the communication does not have to change but the information and intimacy should certainly be different. For example, a person should not be an employee to his wife, or a son to his child. A woman that feels the need to treat her husband as her child, will find it difficult to respect her husband and find fulfillment in her marriage.

The Lohan's

Most people learn how to function in their relationships from their primary families. You hear this said all the time "I'm never going to be like my mother!" Later in life you find yourself doing the same things as your mom, and you say, "I sound just like my mother, I can't believe this!" These moments come from role ambiguity. It is rare that a person is taught what it means to be a husband, wife or employee and the ones who are taught can get wrong information or a model that no longer fits with their individual values.

Defining your role as a wife, mother, husband, son or neighbor will help you to function with success and respect your boundaries and the boundaries of others. Just like a good job description, writing a description of your role will guide your performance. Of course it is essential to find good sources if you do not know what this role entails. The Bible is a great source for everyone, it is full of wisdom and helpful insight. 

How to Stop Relationship Stress

Once you have your roles defined, stay in your place. When you begin to function outside of your role, tension heightens in the relationship and it starts to stink! It is not your responsibility to fix everyone around you, lead by example, it is much more effective and less noisy. Refine your new description and adjust to your role because falling into old pattens can be tempting in difficult situations.

!!!WARNING!!!

1. Friends and family who have a difficult time with change will try to convince you to go back to your old ways.
2. Mixing your old role with your new role is a recipe for disaster. Change certainly comes with time, but intentionally doing things that are inconsistent with your new role, will confuse others and make you less trustworthy.
3. Be patient with yourself and others because you are learning something new and mistakes will happen.

Developing harmony in your relationships is an essential part of spiritual well-being. Positive change isn't always easy, but in the long run, it makes you and your family stronger and happier.

References

Knowing Your Role in Your Relationships/ Examiner.com

Pnina, R. (2009). The Differences in Role Division Between Partners in Long-term Marriages and Their Well-being. Journal of Family Social Work, 12(1), 44-55. doi:10.1080/10522150802667106.

What Role should a Stepparent Play, by Dr. Phil

photo credit

people.com
Zimbo.com
google images