Have You Considered Why Adults Have Babies?

I think most mature adults would agree, parenthood should begin with two adults.  Adults that are financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually capable of nurturing a helpless infant.  Two adults that are focused on building a solid family.  There must be a reason God ordained our childbearing years after infancy and adolescence.

I know there are exceptions to the rules and life happens.  But what if...

Could it be that children need the experience of seasoned humans to learn from?  Could it be that children need the wisdom and knowledge their parents?  Could it be that children do NOT need immature parents polluting their childhood?  Have you ever considered why childbearing happens after infancy and adolescence?

If you still have childish habits and are raising a child, consider changing your ways...

photo via people.emich.edu via Google images

Me and My Dad- The Relationship That Shapes You

I speak to my dad at least once a day!  I am grateful because my dad is 84 years old and still able to walk, talk and think clearly.  I did not realize I had another significant reason to be grateful until this week. 

I was talking to my dad on the phone and it just so happened that I had a friend over.  I was telling my dad I love you and insisting he not give me money.  As I was having this ordinary conversation, I looked at my friend and saw an emptiness in her eyes.  Then I remembered her dad was not there for her.  She was raised by her mother and continually disappointed by her dad.  I felt a moment of shame for telling my dad I loved him when I saw the gaze in her eyes.  That's when I realized the special gift I have because my dad cares.

I began to think of all of my other friends, co-workers, patients and acquaintances.  Many of them do not have relationships with their dads.  Their dads had re-married, beat their mothers, ran off with other women, sexually abused them or just missing in action.  Some of these people I know suffer from an emptiness and sense rejection that is difficult to heal. 

They have to live with the knowledge of someone that gave them life contributed nothing but pain to their existence.  I wonder if they look at strangers and think- is that my dad?  I wonder how different their lives would have been if their dads cared.  I wonder what the distance is between wholeness and brokenness? 

Now that I have come to this realization what does it mean for me?  Should I give extra compassion to those without dads?  Should I automatically assume a person is broken because their dads were absent?  Should I feel shame or guilt for having a dad that loves me?
 

Conclusions 

You were not responsible for choosing your dad.  God designed and designated each person a specific dad according to His purpose.  He knew what certain people would endure.  He also knew the potential each dad had to shape His creation.  It becomes the responsibility of each individual to use all of the good, the bad and the foul ugliness to become their best self. 

It is not easy walking through the pain of yesterday, but it has the ability to make today incredible.  Always remember you are not what anyone has done to you!  You are what God created you to be, now be courageous and become what God intended.  You have been set up for greatness! 

photos via: depressivedisorder.blogspot.com, mydoctor.daiserpermanente.org via Google images

How to Live When Someone You Love is Dying

My life stood still just a couple of weeks ago.  My mom's Alzheimer's disease dramatically advanced over night.  She was no longer able to walk, she was confused and unable to feed herself.  Trips to the emergency room and one hospital admission did not give my family any hope.  We were told the advanced stages of my mom's dementia, her age and over all condition, made her a poor surgery candidate.  Her options were limited: a nursing home or hospice, we elected hospice.  

The first days of hospice were surreal.  I could not believe in my heart my mom was dying.  My mind understood, and I knew the steps and formula well.  As a chaplain, I have been here with families hundreds of times, yet it was difficult to be there with my own family.  My mom could not be dying.  She is the matriarch of my family and the foundation that holds us all together.  Even though she lost her ability to boss us around, intrude in our lives and cook the best food in the state of Michigan she was still feisty and able to love us.

I dropped everything waiting for my mom to die.  Then something happened!  She started to smile.  She ate a couple of bites of food, and in a confused language of her own, she began to talk.  These moments are less than a fraction of what she was capable of before, but it was hope.  She is still unable to walk and feed herself, but life still seems to linger in her attitude.  She seems to have found a new home in her hospital bed.  Her new hobbies are sleeping and twisting the sheets.  I do not even know if she knows me, but she is very kind.  She says thank you when you change her and remains a lady.  She is modest because that southern bell ingrained in her DNA refuses to leave her naked.

These new signs of life have given me hope to continue with my own.  This is the first post I have written outside of the "Working on Monday" series.  I can not be responsible for the death of any one's dream, so I continued and will continue to write the "Working on Monday" series.

My mom's strength has given me courage to share and live again.  I can breath knowing that she remains.  I do not know how long she will be on earth with us.  I miss her beyond comprehension when I think of her death.  I do know, I must live while she is dying.  I am thankful that my mom knows how to love me, even when she does not know her own name.  Nothing is stronger than a mother's love.

Here are some ways to live, while someone you love is dying:

1. Try to see the winner in you, that they did.  People who love you see beyond your current conditions.  They encourage you to do more and speak of your talents and potential.  Think about all of the potential they saw in you and honor their ability to see the good in you.  Live up to their expectations and fulfill your dreams.  The people who love you sacrifice many things to help you succeed, let the things they passed by for you not be in vain.
2. Understand that death is a part of life.  We all have an appointed time on the earth.  Some of us are give 6 days, 6 months, 6 years, 36 years, 60 years, 86 years or 106 years.  The time is determined and inherent in our created being.  
3. It is okay to cry.  Tears are an expression of your soul.  Let the cleansing nature of your tears sooth your being.  Tears are normal, acceptable and heal in ways we do not understand.  
4. Forgive yourself.  You are not responsible for the death of your loved one.  We do not know how death will come.  It can come in the form of a tragedy, old age or a disease.  You may have said some unkind words or done even worse to your loved one who is dying.  We all say and do things, never expecting death to be the next event that brings you together.  If you knew things would have gone differently, but you did not know and now it does not matter.  Time forgets the mistakes of yesterday and so should you.
5. Function in the change.  When a loved one is sick and dying, life changes.  You may become a caregiver, you may have to do things that take time away from other activities, you may have to drop everything.  Manage the moment in front of you, to the best of your ability.  Cry through it, yell through it, crawl through it, be afraid through it or be courageous, but try not to avoid.  You can do what is necessary, even in your weakness.  
6. Say goodbye.  The ability to say goodbye is not always guaranteed.  If you have the ability to say goodbye, cherish it and take the time to say what is in your heart.  Saying goodbye is not going to make death come sooner.  Death comes in spite of your actions.  It works on a schedule beyond your control.  You can even say goodbye after your loved one has died.  It is the burden of your soul that needs to be expressed. 
7. Simply live. Death, dying and grieving are all a part of life.  They are uncomfortable times that cause a great deal of pain, but a real dimension of our existence.  Death and dying does not mean you have to punish yourself because you are still alive.  Live and laugh.  Sometimes you may wish you were the one dying or life seems unbearable without the ones you love,  though you will forever be changed it does not have to mean eternal devastation.  Eventually the confusion of death aligns itself with the the normalcy of life.  I am acknowledging the breath of life within you.  Please give yourself permission to live, it is okay.  One step and one moment at a time.

Accepting death is a part of Empowered Peace...
photo credit: Chaplain Donna

The Osmonds or The Lohans, a Good Gaudge to Test Role Definition in Your Relationships

The Problem

The Osmond's

Some of the most painful events of life happen within family or close friend connections. I hear gut wrenching stories about misunderstandings and lies that cause people to stop talking for years. The tears of these hurting people seem endless because they can not believe what has happened between them and their parents, children, best friend, sibling, boss or neighbor. These people have given into hopelessness and believe their relationships are beyond repair and do not know how to forgive or ask for forgiveness. This is a terrible state to find your relationships in and learning how to protect your connections can help prevent the wounds of betrayal.

A key element to establishing solid relationships is defining your role. Think about the people in your life and how you are connected to them. One person can be a husband, father, son, employee and supervisor in the course of one day. When this man is communicating with his wife, it should be different then when he is communicating with his employee. The quality of the communication does not have to change but the information and intimacy should certainly be different. For example, a person should not be an employee to his wife, or a son to his child. A woman that feels the need to treat her husband as her child, will find it difficult to respect her husband and find fulfillment in her marriage.

The Lohan's

Most people learn how to function in their relationships from their primary families. You hear this said all the time "I'm never going to be like my mother!" Later in life you find yourself doing the same things as your mom, and you say, "I sound just like my mother, I can't believe this!" These moments come from role ambiguity. It is rare that a person is taught what it means to be a husband, wife or employee and the ones who are taught can get wrong information or a model that no longer fits with their individual values.

Defining your role as a wife, mother, husband, son or neighbor will help you to function with success and respect your boundaries and the boundaries of others. Just like a good job description, writing a description of your role will guide your performance. Of course it is essential to find good sources if you do not know what this role entails. The Bible is a great source for everyone, it is full of wisdom and helpful insight. 

How to Stop Relationship Stress

Once you have your roles defined, stay in your place. When you begin to function outside of your role, tension heightens in the relationship and it starts to stink! It is not your responsibility to fix everyone around you, lead by example, it is much more effective and less noisy. Refine your new description and adjust to your role because falling into old pattens can be tempting in difficult situations.

!!!WARNING!!!

1. Friends and family who have a difficult time with change will try to convince you to go back to your old ways.
2. Mixing your old role with your new role is a recipe for disaster. Change certainly comes with time, but intentionally doing things that are inconsistent with your new role, will confuse others and make you less trustworthy.
3. Be patient with yourself and others because you are learning something new and mistakes will happen.

Developing harmony in your relationships is an essential part of spiritual well-being. Positive change isn't always easy, but in the long run, it makes you and your family stronger and happier.

References

Knowing Your Role in Your Relationships/ Examiner.com

Pnina, R. (2009). The Differences in Role Division Between Partners in Long-term Marriages and Their Well-being. Journal of Family Social Work, 12(1), 44-55. doi:10.1080/10522150802667106.

What Role should a Stepparent Play, by Dr. Phil

photo credit

people.com
Zimbo.com
google images

Growing Old in a Culture of Busy People and Broken Families, Part 1

I'm a thirty-nine year old, divorced, single mom with two elderly parents.  My mother gave birth to me when she was forty-two years old and my dad was forty-three.  I was about twelve years old when I realized my parents were 'old.'  This was the beginning many fearful years for me, I believed my parents would die soon.  I always imagined they would die before I was done with school and I would be left alone.  My concerns were foolish and self-centered because I never considered the effects of aging.  I simply thought my parents would continue to live their lives: gardening, eating at restaurants, sitting on the porch, cooking, shopping, self-care and just die one day.  My non-existent views of aging were quickly adjusted when my dad became ill and my mother wasn't able to care for him or herself.  I decided right then my parents would never have to worry, I moved into their home, quit my job and became their caregiver.  This worked for about a year then the realities of our society dictated alternative solutions for my family.  My parents made too much money to receive state benefits, but not enough to support me and daughter.  State benefits would have allowed them to hire me as their caregiver.  I was forced to go back to work, but taking care of three dependent people, my two parents and a teenage daughter, was overwhelming.  I Begrudgingly moved my parents to an independent/assisted living facility to meet their needs. 

I moved back to my home, began to re-focus on my daughter and pursuing my life's calling.  I thought everything would be fine because my parents had everything they needed.  This was another ignorant thought process, my parents continued to age and their needs continued to increase.  I had to adjust their levels of care at their new home and somehow convince them that they needed the extra help.  It has taken me years to understand the fullness of what growing old really means.   

The experience of watching my parents age has been emotional, but I've learned many valuable lessons.  The goal of this series is to let you know that you are not alone.  The number of adults over 65 is expected to be 19% of the United States population by 2030.  This has major implications for busy, broken and economically stretched families.  Caregiving, healthcare costs, living arrangements and end-of-life decision making will become their responsibility.  Educating yourself for the aging of your loved ones will help you prepare for thier increasing needs.  It will also help you maintain a sense of spiritual well-being during the most difficult times of this natural process. 

REFERENCE

Koenig M.D., Harold G., Douglas M. Lawson, Ph.D. and Malcolm McConnell.   Faith in the Future, Healthcare, Aging, and The Role of Religion; Radnor, Pennsylvania: Templeton Foundation Press, 2004. 

RESOURCES

United States Administration on Aging

Senior Medicare Patrol Programs

A Place for Mom, National Senior Referral Service for Housing

Alzheimer's Association

Senior Citizens Resources, Official from the U.S. Government