The Osmonds or The Lohans, a Good Gaudge to Test Role Definition in Your Relationships

The Problem

The Osmond's

Some of the most painful events of life happen within family or close friend connections. I hear gut wrenching stories about misunderstandings and lies that cause people to stop talking for years. The tears of these hurting people seem endless because they can not believe what has happened between them and their parents, children, best friend, sibling, boss or neighbor. These people have given into hopelessness and believe their relationships are beyond repair and do not know how to forgive or ask for forgiveness. This is a terrible state to find your relationships in and learning how to protect your connections can help prevent the wounds of betrayal.

A key element to establishing solid relationships is defining your role. Think about the people in your life and how you are connected to them. One person can be a husband, father, son, employee and supervisor in the course of one day. When this man is communicating with his wife, it should be different then when he is communicating with his employee. The quality of the communication does not have to change but the information and intimacy should certainly be different. For example, a person should not be an employee to his wife, or a son to his child. A woman that feels the need to treat her husband as her child, will find it difficult to respect her husband and find fulfillment in her marriage.

The Lohan's

Most people learn how to function in their relationships from their primary families. You hear this said all the time "I'm never going to be like my mother!" Later in life you find yourself doing the same things as your mom, and you say, "I sound just like my mother, I can't believe this!" These moments come from role ambiguity. It is rare that a person is taught what it means to be a husband, wife or employee and the ones who are taught can get wrong information or a model that no longer fits with their individual values.

Defining your role as a wife, mother, husband, son or neighbor will help you to function with success and respect your boundaries and the boundaries of others. Just like a good job description, writing a description of your role will guide your performance. Of course it is essential to find good sources if you do not know what this role entails. The Bible is a great source for everyone, it is full of wisdom and helpful insight. 

How to Stop Relationship Stress

Once you have your roles defined, stay in your place. When you begin to function outside of your role, tension heightens in the relationship and it starts to stink! It is not your responsibility to fix everyone around you, lead by example, it is much more effective and less noisy. Refine your new description and adjust to your role because falling into old pattens can be tempting in difficult situations.

!!!WARNING!!!

1. Friends and family who have a difficult time with change will try to convince you to go back to your old ways.
2. Mixing your old role with your new role is a recipe for disaster. Change certainly comes with time, but intentionally doing things that are inconsistent with your new role, will confuse others and make you less trustworthy.
3. Be patient with yourself and others because you are learning something new and mistakes will happen.

Developing harmony in your relationships is an essential part of spiritual well-being. Positive change isn't always easy, but in the long run, it makes you and your family stronger and happier.

References

Knowing Your Role in Your Relationships/ Examiner.com

Pnina, R. (2009). The Differences in Role Division Between Partners in Long-term Marriages and Their Well-being. Journal of Family Social Work, 12(1), 44-55. doi:10.1080/10522150802667106.

What Role should a Stepparent Play, by Dr. Phil

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