Bullying- An Intimate Discussion about the Pain, Power and Process Part 2

Bulling is a degrading experience.  It steals your joy and power from your presence.  It is a wicked exchange that takes place between a bully and a victim.  A bully strips their prey of dignity and weaves it into their being.  They wear it as an invisible badge of authority and use it as a license to continually oppress their victim.  Victims in return become an emotional and physical trash dump.  They become a release for the psychological and emotional pain of their abuser.  The more the bully dumps on the victim, the more the bully hates the victim.  After all, who likes trash?

As a victim of bullying you begin to really feel worthless.  People turn up their noses at you.  They laugh at you when they pass you.  People are constantly talking behind your back and spreading false rumors.  Bullying can become physical as well.  Victims can be pushed, pulled, spit at and beat up.  Victims become the butt of every joke and called dehumanizing names.  Can you imagine spending your work day like this?  Can you imagine going to school and knowing you will be humiliated for 7 straight hours?  What about the battered spouse?  Can  you imagine living with a person or people that treat you like an insignificant slave without feelings?  This is the existence of millions of people around the world.

A Piece of My Story

My bullying experience began at a young age.  I was teased for many different reasons.  Of course this gave me many reasons to doubt myself and my significance as a person of influence.  My black so-called friends teased me for not being black enough.  My speech was too proper and my name brand clothing was not always correct.  My hair was too short and my butt was too flat.  It is extremely difficult to defend yourself when you believe what people are saying.  It is hard to believe you are okay, when you are told on a daily basis you are inferior!

This constant attack on my appearance made me believe I was ugly.  I dated guys that were losers because I was completely confused about my value.  The guys I really wanted I never pursued because I thought they would never want someone as terrible as me.  Bullying is such a deceitful lie.  It robs you of a good life because you think you do not deserve one.  

I was a person split in the middle.  I had completely separated myself from my emotions.  It was as if I lived an outer body experience.  A great deal of my pain came from being raped.  Rape is the sickest act a bully can perpetrate.  This was an event that I blacked out for many years because it was too traumatic to face.  A person I trusted violated me and shattered my soul in one act.  This lead to drinking at the young age of 12.  Needless to say my drinking and shattered soul made me a prime target for bullies.  I needed someone to care, but all I found was more evidence of my uselessness.

These awful acts happening at such an early age never gave me a chance to form boundaries. I allowed people to continually violate me because I never thought I had a choice.  Eventually you stop fighting when you think you are in a losing battle.
 

One of the best ways to take back your power is by setting boundaries.  Boundaries are not walls, they are safety markers to keep you safe.  You have a right to protect yourself when someone comes into your space uninvited.

If you have been bullied forgive yourself.  If you have been doing things or have done things you are not proud of it was only for protection.  We are going to discuss healthy ways of coping as we continue in this series. 

A Tough Reality

The victim and the bully share a dark, sick relationship.  They both share intimate secrets neither wants anyone to know.  The person being bullied is humiliated and hides the secrets of their experience.  The person doing the bullying is ashamed and does not want anyone to know their true, ugly identity.  It is a strange and morbid connection that is difficult to break.  Years after the bullying has stopped the mental chains of worthlessness interfere with a victims well-being.  Bullies move on and find other people to trash.  The cycle continues for both the bully and victim until they decide to take control of their lives.  

Anti-Bullying Programs

The Trevor Project- a hot line and organization for lesbian and gay youth and people.

Bully Online.org- workplace bully resources

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline- 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
photos via: hubpages.com, myhomeschool.blogspot.com, accura-marketing.com via Google images. 

Enduring Tough Times When All Hope is Gone

How much can one person take?  Sometimes it seems that life is on a mission to destroy any happiness a person can experience.  Broken relationships, broken bank accounts, broken children, broken hearts and broken promises seem to be the only news coming in the mail and calling on the phone.  Plans for the future seem to be crumbling and betrayal sleeps with you at night as you try to escape pain in the comfort of your dreams.  But your dreams become nightmares and sleep refuses to sing a comforting lullaby.

The worse part is everyone around seems to be doing just fine.  They are planning for their futures, enrolling their children in college, buying new homes, cars and clothes.  They say be strong or have faith in God.  The only problem is hope is lost and the excruciating pain of life is crushing any faith in God's goodness.  New Year's resolutions, positive affirmations, meditation and even church are unable to penetrate the doom of another day.

How do you endure life when it seems to spit on you and your family?  One step at a time, one moment at a time, one tear at a time.  Sad and seemingly unfair times come upon everyone.  Being in the midst of turmoil is an often lonely place.  It is important to remember there are many people suffering.  You are note alone, even though it seems no one in the world can relate to your troubles.  Many are drudging through another day hoping for an end to their pain.

To minimize this type of pain is disrespectful.  To say it will okay is rude, what is okay about being screwed by life.  Having someone listen without judgment, this is sometimes the only relief a person can find.

To those of you feeling this level of pain, I say to you please hold on.  Please know that even if you have lost faith in God, He waiting for you when you are ready.  This season of life is sure to pass, hold on and take this message as hope reaching out.  The winter's of life are cold and rough, but the summer's of life are waiting for you.

Be strong on the days you can and fight your battles with integrity.
 


photos via: servingstrong.typepad.com, jameslaylon.wordpress.com

An Empowered Woman's Gratitude on Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!  Though it is not a religious holiday, it is revered with honor in American culture.  I have many things to be thankful for this season, but today I am most thankful for my power!  I am thankful for my truth. 

Many times I have fallen short in the face of opposition.  I have allowed lies, both written and spoken to circulate and attach themselves to my name.  I have allowed people to control my life and keep me in subservient positions.  I have allowed people to tear me down without a fight because I was afraid and unwilling to confront hate so intense that it had an odor.  For many years I thought it was right to allow people to say negative things behind my back.  I allowed rumors to circulate going unchecked and let unkind people interfere and destroy my relationships.  I thought I was being a 'good' person and silently died waiting for someone to rescue me.

I have had some dynamic teachers step in and encourage me during critical times.  I am sure it was their words along with my parent's unconditional belief in me that allowed me to endure excruciating abuse and unfair treatment.  Recent events have given me a new attitude.  I am claiming my authority and exercising my right to be me!

I must say, I have at times, made attempts to stick up for myself, but I always fell short along the way.  I allowed many things to intimidate my efforts and allowed humiliation to be my garment.  I allowed distorted images of me to be written in the history books of life.  I thank God I have always found a way to stand up and try again!

My inner strength to endure abuse, has become an external expression.  I am thankful that I have learned I can fight for myself.  There isn't anything wrong with having your own back.  This is my Empowered Peace!  I have fought for my daughter and my parents with unwavering determination.  Now I KNOW it is right to fight for myself with the same zeal. 

Life is not perfect.  There are always going to be situations that require courage and strength.  I may not win them all, but by God I intend to fight! The truth is only told when it spoken.  The truth is only known when it is revealed.  This Thanksgiving I am thankful I can speak.  I am thankful that I am not afraid to confront uncomfortable situations and speak the truth in the midst of lies.  I am thankful I fight for myself!

What gives you the ability to be thankful?
photo via gchosp.org

Hakuna Matata, It Means a LOT of Worries for the Rest of Your Life

As I feel asleep the other evening I prayed to God about a reoccurring situation in my life.  It has plagued me from childhood and has not given me rest for over 30 years!  I've prayed about this situation many times over the years and I have asked God to take away this horrible happening that comes over and over again.  I have had periods of rest and even joy and happiness, but they are always short lived.  I would always be waiting in the back of my mind for the trouble to come and steal my happiness.

You see I have always had  barriers to my successes.  I have not yet tasted the fullness of my destiny and as I went to sleep the other day, God showed me to myself.  He explained to me very clearly, through  different Disney characters the circle of my life.  It seems strange I know, but I have learned to trust God when He speaks to me, no matter how peculiar it seems.  God has not led me astray yet!

God showed me this happening in my life was fear.  The Lion King was particularly relevant to the unfolding of this epiphany.  I watched The Lion King again before writing this post and the reality of my error was clear. 

Simba, the main character in The Lion King, suffered a great trauma when he was a child.  His dad was violently murdered by his brother Scar and Scar then blamed Simba, his nephew, for the murder.  Scar encouraged Simba to run away as the solution to his problem.  When Simba ran away he was befriended by two outcasts named Timon and Pumbaa.  Their philosophy for life was of course, Hakuna Matata!

Hakuna Matata is a slogan that represents a problem free life.  Timon advised Simba "when the world turns its back on you, (you should) turn your back on the world."  There are many problems with this philosophy.  The first problem is your state of denial.  You are forced the believe your life is perfect and ignore an emptiness inside of you that cries out to be filled.  You can not turn your back on the world and expect to fulfill your dreams.  The world needs you to contribute your gifts in a constructive manner.  When you reject the world people in need of your contributions lack and suffer.  You put yourself in a position that forces you to throw away your dreams because your dreams are fulfilled by touching the world around you.

The second problem with this mentality are the limitations you place on your creative being.  The world needs you to be you!  Not Barack Obama or Mother Theresa, it needs you because God created you with a specific plan and purpose.  Hukuna Matata means you are selfish and self-centered because you choose not to care about the world around you.  You intentionally desire the world to feel the pain and rejection you have inside.  You also devalue your entire existence.  If you really knew how priceless you were, you would never think of yourself, only others.

Scar represents many aspects of a stagnant life.  For me he represents fear.  What does he represent to you?  The only way to live a life of Empowered Peace is to confront your "Scar."  The scenario that plays itself over and over in your life will continue to occur until you deal with your internal Scar. 

Confronting your inner demons can be intimidating to say the least.  But it is possible and more importantly it is freedom! 

photos via: unrealitymag.com and lionking.org via google images.

video via: The Dockeeping Channel on YouTube (great video's here)

Workplace Worries and Badly Behaving Bullies



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 The workplace is the second, if not the first home to a majority of working people.  Your job can be full of good friends, supportive supervisors and friendly potlucks but increasingly the workplace has become a war zone.  Employers and employees alike actively seek out individuals to harass and humiliate.  This terrorist mentality causes absenteeism, medical expenses, mental and emotional exhaustion, lower wages, character assassination and termination of employment.  According to Time Magazine many states are following the lead of New York's Healthy Workplace Bill and cracking down on workplace violence. 

Bullycide

The media is not at a loss for stories about bullying.  In fact, a new term has been created for the act of suicide caused by bullying, "Bullycide."  Here are some of the victims: Phoebe Prince, Megan Meier, Karl Peart, Gemma Dimmick, Jodie Zebell and Brodie Panlock just to name a few.  These people were called names, the subject of gossip, victimized by vicious rumors and continually made to feel unworthy by their bullies.  The continual marginalization and the increased power of the bully became overwhelming and they eventually committed suicide.  They were finally convinced that what the bullies said was true and there was not any help or hope to fix things.  This is such a sick travesty, bullies actually enjoy the pain of their victims.  Chances are you have been a victim, are a victim or know someone that has been or is being victimized.  I want you to know you are not alone.



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Why Do People Bully?

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  Fear:  People are afraid of many things.  Job loss in today's economy is certainly one of them.  People who are working are willing to use unethical means to keep their jobs.  This is unfortunate and many times fear comes in the form of bullying and a mentality of "only the strong survive." 
• Insecurity: Many people are insecure and anyone they perceive as capable of 'getting ahead' of them is a target. 
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  Jealousy: Old fashioned jealousy fumes many flames.  A lack of values, misdirection and unrealistic expectations lead people to hate others.  The hate comes from feeling they deserve something more and proceed to take it from another person.
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  Power: How seductive is power?  Power used in the wrong way creates bullying.  
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  Control: Bullies like to have control over everything, especially the life of their victim.  They are unable to maintain a peace of mind without suppressing their victim, the person becomes as a possession or toy.  Managing their own lives would require introspection and most bullies feel it is too painful or scary to face their demons. 

How to Survive Your Bully



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You can allow bullies to steal your peace and joy.  This is a spiritual poison that breaks the heart of many lost souls.  Continued exposure to this behavior can make you sad, discouraged, depressed, anxious, distracted and unproductive.  The best way to handle a bully is to minimize these effects.  You have to find a positive in-flow to counteract their negativity.  Religion, friends, prayer, worship, arts and crafts and spiritual renewal are all examples of positive actions.  You may feel like giving up or not participating but these things help!

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  Take notes of the activity happening at work.  Use this information wisely and at the right time.
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  Don't allow the bully's rumors and lies to define who you are.  Read affirmations and repeat them to remind yourself of your value.
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  Confront your bully with a calm ethic.  Yelling or bad behavior will only get you in trouble and make your bully's lies more believable.
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  Report this activity to human resources.  Tell them about the hostile environment your bully is causing and ask for help.
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  Educate yourself about workplace bullying and find a support group.
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  Consult an attorney.
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  Ride out the storm.  From a spiritual perspective, some lessons are taught over and over again until you walk completely through the situation.  This can be scary and very uncomfortable, but by educating yourself on your situation, prayer and acting with integrity you can win. 
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  Never give up!

!!!Special Note!!!

This is to all of you who see someone being victimized and harassed at work.  SAY SOMETHING!!!  Confront the bully, stick up for your co-worker and refuse to tolerate this nonsense.  Report the incidents to human resources and keep notes.  You do not want the guilt of thinking you could have done something when it is too late.



photo via



References

Case Study: New Laws Target Workplace Bullying

Why Do Women Bully Women in the Workplace? They're Easier Targets

Office Politics: How to Play the Game

When Co-workers Play Dirty

Careerbuilder.com- Career Resources

Resources

Workplace Bullying Institute

Stop Workplace Bullying!

Minding the Workplace

Kickbully- Where Your Fight Begins

Using Your Suffering to Live a Life of Purpose, Part 2

via google images

Part 1 of this series discussed the condition of a suffering soul and a conduit to transform the pain, volunteer work.  Giving your time to others in  a position similar to your own can be a healing balm to your heart.  Volunteer work is also a restorative tool for people suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). 

!!!Caution!!!

Volunteering too soon after a difficult situation can be overwhelming.  Discuss your situation with the Volunteer coordinator of your chosen program or a healthcare professional before you start. 

How Volunteering Heals Your Suffering

A compromised soul is imprisoned.  If you are in this state, you will not be able to function at your full capacity because shame covers you like a transparent blanket.  This blanket of limitations prevents you from interacting with people in an honest and healthy manner because you fear they can see the dirty secrets of your past.  You are burdened with a false belief that others will be repulsed by you if they knew what happened to you.  These lies seen through shame lock up your purpose and volunteering can be a key to freedom.

volunteering connects you with mentors.  Reputable organizations with good leadership will have dedicated people that have an understanding and compassion for your/their cause.  This inspirational influence adds a dimension of hope to motivate a helpless soul.  It also unites people and erases loneliness and fear.

Volunteering gives a senseless act meaning and fills your being with purpose.  Your message to the people who hurt you says you refuse to be a victim of your circumstances.  You begin to touch people connected to your cause and they are Empowered by your example, this brings Peace to your lives and makes the world a better place.  The blanket of shame that once contained you is slowly lifted and your life is lived for a purpose bigger than you.  You are no longer contained in your small world but released from bondage because you become determined to make a difference. 

Suffering a traumatic event(s) can leave a person feeling victimized. This victimized mentality is another barrier between meaninglessness and purpose. Becoming a volunteer energizes people and allows them to feel valued.  When a person feels they are needed the shy unneeded persona of a victim is removed. This allows for a person to speak and take risks for another person's well-being. These acts transfer back to the broken soul of the individual and slowly mends the wounds of the soul. A victimized person can unknowingly be self-centered and see the actions of others as ways to hurt them. Helping others redirects these thoughts and working for a greater cause takes the focus off of self.

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Volunteering not only allows for you to provide acts of kindness that are satisfying to your soul.  Volunteering is also a place for your mind to find rest.  Your mind is taken off of your pain and mundane daily routines.  You begin to think about how you can serve others.  These are noble, true and virtuous thoughts that give the mind Peace.  God created humanity to serve each other with the gifts and talents He carefully choose for each of His creations.  You may not know how to sing, act, dance or even cook but each person has the ability to help another person through volunteering their time and giving their love.  Use your suffering to live a life of purpose.

References

Reclaiming Children and Youth: The Journal of Strength-based Interventions, v14 n1 p16 Spr 2005

The book of Philippians (NKJ)

Tunnicliffe, H. (2009). Volunteering - better than daytime TV any day!. TCE: The Chemical Engineer, (819), 32. Retrieved from Academic Search Complete database.

Resources

Helpguide.org (A great website filled with information about various mental and physical well-being articles)

Crisis Prevention Institute (An organization focused on crisis help and prevention)

Peace Corps (Volunteering in developing countries)

World Volunteer Web

Using Your Suffering to Live a Life of Purpose, Part 1

via emanclimax

Finding your purpose in life is an exhilarating feeling.  It gives you an unspeakable joy and an inner satisfaction because the reason God created you is able to find a functional outlet.  This joy comes not only from using your God given gifts and talents, but from the people around you who are directly affected by your work.  These people are changed in a positive way because you are being true to your inner self.  Some of you are living your dream and honoring the creative being God carefully placed inside of you.  However, the majority of people struggle with not knowing their purpose in life and aimlessly wander in life feeling devalued and useless.  The wandering people I'm speaking of are in your churches, homes, work places, grocery stores and doctor's offices.  They are your neighbors and school teachers, strangers you pass on the streets and possibly even you.  The circumstances of life can destroy your soul and the dreams you once had become only  vague memories.

 

via Warner Bros.

This heart breaking scene from The Color Purple is difficult to watch.  Celie and Nettie were sisters torn apart by an abusive husband.  Some of your stories are not this tragic, but others of you have experienced far worse.  The good news is there is hope the mend your shattered heart.  The brokenness of one's soul can be restored through acts of morality.  "This involves survivors restoring themselves by responding to others’ suffering, dedicating themselves to causes and improving the world; giving life meaning and leaving it a better place (Farley 2007)."  In other words, you can volunteer or start your own non-profit organization to help others suffering from the pain you once experienced.  Remember spiritual care is about finding and nurturing your meaning and purpose in life. 

photo via

Becoming a part of a reputable organization or building your own community of helpers is a conduit for transforming your pain.  It gives you the ability to restore peace and joy in your life and help others in need.  Part one of this series was an introduction to the condition of broken souls.  Part two of this series will discuss the healing.  Until then let me leave you with a happy ending. Celie and Nettie are reunited after lives of abuse, rejection and heartache.

References

Farley, Y. (2007). Making the Connection: Spirituality, Trauma and Resiliency. Journal of Religion & Spirituality in Social Work, 26(1), 1-15. doi:10.1300/J377v26n0101.

The Book of Philippians (NKJ)

Resources

International Volunteer Programs Association (IVPA)

RAINN/ Rape, Abuse and Insect National Network

Transcendence: Stop my Pain and Suffering!

Maya Angelou's poem "And Still I Rise" is a colorful voice used by the experience of transcendence. This poetry articulates the suffering of life's injustices and demonstrates the will of the soul to be free. Human spirituality is expressed in a person's ability to contribute to the world around him. A person finds the ability to touch their world in many ways: parenting, teaching, working, entrepreneurship, learning, being someones child, spouse, sibling, care taker, provider, activist, musician or writer and the list is endless. These offerings to the world are continually changing as life reveals its requirements of participation. Suffering occurs when a person is forced to make unwanted changes in their roles. Death, terminal illness, job loss, family conflict, abuse and other painful occurrences are the events that cause crisis and the awaking of transcendence.


Transcendence is an available means to spiritual well-being. It happens at the point of acceptance and the person's willful participation in their reorganized life role. Eastern religions such as Buddhism, attain transcendence through the denial of self and meditation. A person is to relinquish himself of feeling emotions and detach from the world. This includes non-attachment in relationships and to material possessions (Hanson 2008). Western traditions such as Christianity find transcendence through morality, worship and prayer. Emotions are not denied in western traditions but they are considered unreliable for making responsible decisions. People practicing western religions have doctrinal responsibilities to their relationships which bring blessings into the lives of the obedient (Yount 2009). These are of course very broad descriptions and insights into Eastern and Western religious ideologies. They are not meant to be exhaustive in this context.  Both religions seek to find meaning in suffering and use certain practices to overcome suffering and acquire transcendence.

Real Life Applications

Making meaning out of the death of a loved one, the pain of broken relationships or being treated unfairly is the beginning of transcending your soul to a more enlightened or mature place.  On your path of meaning making you may experience sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, fatigue, helplessness, shock, yearning, relief, numbness, disbelief, confusion, preoccupation, social withdrawal, dreams, avoidance and crying.  You are not crazy, you are human and we feel these experiences when our sense of well-being is threatened or taken away (Worden 2009).  One of the most effective ways to work through your suffering is artistic self expression.  It is an avenue for your soul's cry.  You can keep a journal of your feelings, scrap booking, singing inspirational music, art, gardening, dancing and other artistic activities.  Set aside some daily time to inventory your thoughts and feelings, you have feelings and accepting them is accepting yourself.  There are not any right or wrong feelings they just exist within you. This daily time limit will help you manage preoccupation. Take care of yourself i.e. get your hair cut, have a massage or a manicure (Rosenberg 2009).  Most importantly be gentle with yourself.  You are not perfect and will make mistakes in this journey called life.  Use some good old fashioned forgiveness and keep going.  Your on your way to transcendence and movement beyond your pain.  God Bless You and Amen.

Here is some additional readings on the subject of transcendence:

Hanson, J. (2008). Searching for the Power-I: Nietzsche and Nirvana. Asian Philosophy, 18(3), 231-244. doi:10.1080/09552360802440017.

Harris, H. (2008). Growing While Going: Spiritual Formation at the End of Life. Journal of Religion, Spirituality & Aging, 20(3), 227-245. Retrieved from Academic Search Complete database.

Rosenberg, R. (2009). LONERGAN ON THE TRANSCENDENT ORIENTATION OF ART. Renascence, 61(3), 141-152. Retrieved from Academic Search Complete database.

Vis, J., & Boynton, H. (2008). Spirituality and Transcendent Meaning Making: Possibilities for Enhancing Post traumatic Growth. Journal of Religion & Spirituality in Social Work, 27(1/2), 69-86. doi:10.1080/15426430802113814.

Worden, William J. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, forth edition. New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company, LLC.

Yount, W. (2009). An Evangelical View of Transcendence and Senior Adult Attitudes. Journal of Religion, Spirituality & Aging, 21(1/2), 88-103. doi:10.1080/15528030802265387.