How to Live When Someone You Love is Dying

My life stood still just a couple of weeks ago.  My mom's Alzheimer's disease dramatically advanced over night.  She was no longer able to walk, she was confused and unable to feed herself.  Trips to the emergency room and one hospital admission did not give my family any hope.  We were told the advanced stages of my mom's dementia, her age and over all condition, made her a poor surgery candidate.  Her options were limited: a nursing home or hospice, we elected hospice.  

The first days of hospice were surreal.  I could not believe in my heart my mom was dying.  My mind understood, and I knew the steps and formula well.  As a chaplain, I have been here with families hundreds of times, yet it was difficult to be there with my own family.  My mom could not be dying.  She is the matriarch of my family and the foundation that holds us all together.  Even though she lost her ability to boss us around, intrude in our lives and cook the best food in the state of Michigan she was still feisty and able to love us.

I dropped everything waiting for my mom to die.  Then something happened!  She started to smile.  She ate a couple of bites of food, and in a confused language of her own, she began to talk.  These moments are less than a fraction of what she was capable of before, but it was hope.  She is still unable to walk and feed herself, but life still seems to linger in her attitude.  She seems to have found a new home in her hospital bed.  Her new hobbies are sleeping and twisting the sheets.  I do not even know if she knows me, but she is very kind.  She says thank you when you change her and remains a lady.  She is modest because that southern bell ingrained in her DNA refuses to leave her naked.

These new signs of life have given me hope to continue with my own.  This is the first post I have written outside of the "Working on Monday" series.  I can not be responsible for the death of any one's dream, so I continued and will continue to write the "Working on Monday" series.

My mom's strength has given me courage to share and live again.  I can breath knowing that she remains.  I do not know how long she will be on earth with us.  I miss her beyond comprehension when I think of her death.  I do know, I must live while she is dying.  I am thankful that my mom knows how to love me, even when she does not know her own name.  Nothing is stronger than a mother's love.

Here are some ways to live, while someone you love is dying:

1. Try to see the winner in you, that they did.  People who love you see beyond your current conditions.  They encourage you to do more and speak of your talents and potential.  Think about all of the potential they saw in you and honor their ability to see the good in you.  Live up to their expectations and fulfill your dreams.  The people who love you sacrifice many things to help you succeed, let the things they passed by for you not be in vain.
2. Understand that death is a part of life.  We all have an appointed time on the earth.  Some of us are give 6 days, 6 months, 6 years, 36 years, 60 years, 86 years or 106 years.  The time is determined and inherent in our created being.  
3. It is okay to cry.  Tears are an expression of your soul.  Let the cleansing nature of your tears sooth your being.  Tears are normal, acceptable and heal in ways we do not understand.  
4. Forgive yourself.  You are not responsible for the death of your loved one.  We do not know how death will come.  It can come in the form of a tragedy, old age or a disease.  You may have said some unkind words or done even worse to your loved one who is dying.  We all say and do things, never expecting death to be the next event that brings you together.  If you knew things would have gone differently, but you did not know and now it does not matter.  Time forgets the mistakes of yesterday and so should you.
5. Function in the change.  When a loved one is sick and dying, life changes.  You may become a caregiver, you may have to do things that take time away from other activities, you may have to drop everything.  Manage the moment in front of you, to the best of your ability.  Cry through it, yell through it, crawl through it, be afraid through it or be courageous, but try not to avoid.  You can do what is necessary, even in your weakness.  
6. Say goodbye.  The ability to say goodbye is not always guaranteed.  If you have the ability to say goodbye, cherish it and take the time to say what is in your heart.  Saying goodbye is not going to make death come sooner.  Death comes in spite of your actions.  It works on a schedule beyond your control.  You can even say goodbye after your loved one has died.  It is the burden of your soul that needs to be expressed. 
7. Simply live. Death, dying and grieving are all a part of life.  They are uncomfortable times that cause a great deal of pain, but a real dimension of our existence.  Death and dying does not mean you have to punish yourself because you are still alive.  Live and laugh.  Sometimes you may wish you were the one dying or life seems unbearable without the ones you love,  though you will forever be changed it does not have to mean eternal devastation.  Eventually the confusion of death aligns itself with the the normalcy of life.  I am acknowledging the breath of life within you.  Please give yourself permission to live, it is okay.  One step and one moment at a time.

Accepting death is a part of Empowered Peace...
photo credit: Chaplain Donna