Empowered Peace: Growing Old in a Culture of Busy People and Broken Families, Part 2

Here is a brief review of part 1:

I introduced you the the topic of aging, through sharing parts my of family's story.
I gave you some substantial statistics about the aging population in the United States.
I listed some important aspects of preparing for the aging of your loved ones.

In part 2 of this series I will share more of my personal story and equip you with information for having difficult conversations with your family.

The body naturally ages due to the limited life of cells. As the cells in a body approach the end their lives, the organ systems fail and the body dies. There are several reasons why the life of a cell begins to fail, but the process is inevitable (Merck 2005). The physical limitations in the elderly are not always due to cell deterioration. Senior citizens become dependent for several reasons, the health problems caused by aging, psycho-social problems, spiritual disconnections and financial concerns.

Aging began to affect my family in very subtle ways. My lack of understanding caused me to ignore, under estimate and misinterpret my parent's behavior. For example, when my parents went to places and got lost. My mom was unable to answer simple questions about the year and president. Their diet dramatically changed, my dad began to wear the same clothes for several days, my mom was unable to keep up with her beautiful garden, the house was messy, especially the bathrooms, they stopped using their cell phones and simple self care was not maintained. My parents stopped watching their favorite TV shows and began watching uncharacteristic programs. These things happened very gradually and went almost unnoticed. My parents would always have a cleaver answer or a funny wise crack to appease the questions raised by their behavior. My parent's masquerade finally ended when my dad was admitted to the hospital. The truth about their inability to live alone was a painful reality. I was filled with guilt because I didn't see what was right in front of my eyes. I felt as though I let my parents down and I didn't help them when they needed me most. Drastic changes needed to be made and my parents were not happy about any of them.

Maybe some of the things I have mentioned in my story are resonating with you. I want to encourage you, all things are possible with God. Caregivers are put in the emotionally devastating position of taking over another person's life. The stress of family disagreements can add to the unpleasant nature of elderly care. And the other responsibilities of home, work, children, bills, marriage, school and life in general do not disappear.

The needs of each aging person are different but these are normally the main areas of concern. These subjects are sensitive to your elderly loved ones and many times to family members who do not agree with your assessment.

Driving: taking away the car keys of your loved one.
Nutrition: making sure your loved one is eating a healthy diet.
Doctors Appointments: making sure your loved ones are getting to their appointments and following the doctor's recommendations.
Preventing Falls: getting your loved one to use canes, walkers, etc. to keep them safe.
Activities of Daily Living: making sure your loved one is wearing clean clothing, getting to the bathroom, bathing, taking their medications and attending to their other daily needs.
Living Arrangements: carefully considering all of your options and choosing what is best for your loved one. (9 Things to Consider when Picking an Assisted Living or Nursing Home Facility)
Paying Bills: making sure your loved one's bills are paid on time and getting proper access to speak to creditors.
Social and Spiritual Care: making sure your loved one is properly engaged with life.

Tip: as busy as you may be, try to make daily visits to your loved one. This will allow you to see if your concerns are relevant. Monitor how much they can really manage on their own and compare notes with another family member if at all possible.

Tip: get the help of a healthcare professional when you assess your loved one's ability to function independently.

Preparing for Difficult Conversations

Preparing to confront your elderly loved ones about necessary changes can be intimidating. If you have already tried this without success don't throw in the towel, try another approach. It is important to first meet with the family members that will be involved with decisions and care. Getting everyone to agree about what needs to happen and when forms a united front. You have to remember your aging family members will probably not cooperate with you. They may feel you are trying to control them and not trust you to step into their lives. Be PATIENT! Remember this is a traumatic event for seniors. They have worked their entire lives for what they have and letting it go is not easy. Put yourself in their place. How would you react to a person telling you to move, asking for access to your bank accounts and telling you when to eat, shower and what to wear. You might be more than a little irritated.

If your loved ones continue to refuse additional help or resist needed changes, you may have to be strong and do it anyway. Ask yourself, "Is letting my loved one have their own way more important than them getting hurt?" Accidents are a real possibility and can further compromise poor health.

Steps to Effective Communication

first understand the desired outcome you wish to achieve as a result of the conversation. Clearly STATE the path by (Hochberg 2007):
S: Sharing your facts
T: Telling your story
A: Asking for others’ paths and outcomes
T: Talking tentatively
E: Encouraging testing of various outcomes and language.

Emotional thinking is not the best choice for this level of decision making. Try to make an agreement to place family disagreements aside. Remember every family struggles with aging loved ones. With patience, persistence and prayer you can not only manage this but learn to integrate this natural event into your life. Stay tuned for the last part of this series which will cover the important legal aspects of aging.

Tip: Although your loved ones are losing Independence, allow them to help as much as possible.

REFERENCES

Differences in Morbidity and Mortality. Author(s): Anne Case and Christina Paxson, Source: Demography, Vol. 42, No. 2 (May, 2005), pp. 189-214, Published by: Population Association of America. stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/4147343, Accessed: 14/08/2010 08:47.

Hochberg, K. (2007). Having Difficult Conversations Is Crucial. ONS Connect, 22(6), 26. Retrieved from Academic Search Complete database.

Preventing Falls for the Elderly

The Merck Manual of Health & Aging

USA Today- Older, Dangerous Drivers a Growing Problem
U.S. News and World Report Health